Continue reading ‘How Do I Stop the Mental Images After My Husband’s Affair? Help to Move Forward’ »]]> One of the most challenging things I had to face after the realization that my husband was having an affair was the ongoing, and unrelenting mental images of him with his lovers. During the course of our marriage my husband had two different physical affairs within a two year period. Both were with women considerably younger than me and women who were notably more attractive than I believed I was. In this age that we live in it’s almost impossible for a woman not to know what the other woman looks like. A quick online search typically pulls up countless sites filled with images and detailed information including age, livelihood and even friendships. So there I was confronted with the images of what my husband’s lovers looked like. Those images haunted my thoughts day and night for months.

It’s very difficult not to allow your thoughts to wander to what it looked like when your husband was lost in the throes of passion with his lover. You imagine what they each were doing to the other, as well as what he may have said to her. You base all of those imaginative thoughts on your own experiences with him. It’s natural for any woman to do that. It can happen at any time of the day. I actually found it to be more of a problem when my husband and I engaged in intimacy. There were times when I had to stop what was happening because I was so overwhelmed by the mental images of him engaging in the same things with his lovers.

Stopping these thoughts is crucial to reclaiming your marriage and your own self confidence. I realize that it’s not as easy as saying to yourself that you won’t think about them together again. Of course you will. It’s part of the healing process but you do need to learn how to control the amount of time you spend obsessing over it.

How to Get Past the Mental Images of His Affair

Here are the steps I took when I wanted to rid myself of the mental images of my husband’s affairs:

I deleted all photos I had saved of his lovers.  As I mentioned, the internet makes it very easy to find images of just about anybody your heart desires. If you’re like me, you’ve saved images of your husband’s lover. Delete those now as well as any bookmarks you may have saved to sites that contained information or images. This makes it easier to forget exactly what she looks like.

Start seeing the beauty in yourself. I know firsthand how easy it is to fall into the emotional trap of comparing yourself to the woman your husband cheated with. You have to do everything within your power to avoid doing that. You and her are not the same person. She’s bound to have qualities you don’t possess just as you’re bound to have qualities she doesn’t have. Don’t beat yourself up by comparing her looks to yours. You’re very different women.

Set a new thought pattern. The easiest way to stop thinking about your husband with his lover is to automatically think of something more positive when those negative thoughts flood you. What I did was I placed an elastic band on my wrist and each time I thought of my husband and his mistress, I’d pull on the elastic. That sudden sting changed my thought pattern. I focused on my kids at that moment and how grateful I was for them. This worked for me with some effort. Pick something very positive within your own life to focus on when you start thinking about your husband’s affair.

It takes time to heal after an affair. You can’t expect to forget the details overnight but you can make a conscious choice not to focus on them. Remember, that you are still just as desirable and attractive as you were before your husband made the decision to cheat. His choices are not an indicator of how desirable a woman you are.

There are effective ways to get over the pain of the affair and get on the path towards healing your marriage. Learn what they are here.

Continue reading ‘How to Deal with Your Husband Having an Affair? Mourn, Accept and Grow’ »]]> The moment a woman discovers her husband is being unfaithful, the world, as she knows it, ceases to exist. It sounds dramatic, doesn’t it? That’s because it is. Any woman who has already been in your shoes will tell you that everything you are currently feeling is normal, expected and valuable. You’ll cycle through conflicting emotions very quickly. One moment you’ll feel angry and overwhelmed with rage and the next you’ll feel a deep sense of sadness that consumes you. Infidelity is sadly a part of many people’s marriages and it can change the dynamic of a couple who have been working together for years to raise a family and nurture a marriage. Although there are many people, perhaps even friends, who will tell you that you have one choice and only one choice when it comes to what to do next, they’re wrong. Adultery does not have to be the end of your marriage. It can be the turning point towards something better. Learning how to deal with your husband having an affair involves mourning the loss of what you two had, accepting that it happened and growing into a stronger and more aware woman.

In order to deal with your husband having an affair you have to mourn the loss of what you thought you had. In some marriages when the husband’s extramarital activities come to light the wife isn’t terribly shocked. She may have had underlying suspicions for a time but for whatever reason chose not to confront her husband. When the day finally arrives and she realizes that he has been unfaithful there is a sense of relief attached to it. She feels more in tune with her own feelings because her insight told her something was amiss. Other women are emotionally devastated because they had no idea that anything was going on with their husband. These are the women who struggle more with the knowledge that their husband sought out another person for comfort and companionship.

In either case there must be a period of mourning, so to speak. You have to let go of what you had or what you believed you had with your husband. It is definitely a loss and unless you acknowledge that loss you’ll never move forward. Some women in your position find that it’s helpful for them to express their sense of loss in written form. Keeping a journal can be very useful for this purpose. It’s a good way to let it all out in a way that allows you to be as honest as you possibly can.

Acceptance is often the hardest step towards healing a marriage after a husband’s affair. In order to accept that your husband spent time with someone else you have to accept that your marriage wasn’t fulfilling all of his needs. You also must accept that his affair is not a reflection of who you are as a woman. Your husband’s actions were his own. Acceptance brings empowerment because it allows you the chance to let go of all of the negative feelings you have. If you continue to focus on the fact that your husband choose to betray you, you’ll never fully see the light at the end of the tunnel. You cannot change what has happened. Accepting it allows you to take control of the situation, in an emotional sense. It also affords you the opportunity to put the affair behind you so you can see the promise that your future holds, be that with or without your husband at your side.

Instead of allowing your husband’s actions to make you into a bitter woman who resents her choices, use this experience to become a better person. Be proud of yourself for the moral choices you have made in your life. Don’t take on the burden of believing that you’re solely responsible for what your husband did. He ultimately made the choice to change your marriage and now it’s his burden to carry.

Obviously, moving past an affair takes time, effort and compassion. Before you make any decisions about what is best for your future, take time for you. I found, from my own experience, that taking a step back from the relationship for a time gave me a renewed and clear perspective. Sometimes in order to heal you have to give yourself time and space. Don’t allow your husband or your heart to rush you into anything you’re not ready for. Take time to mourn, to accept and to grow into a stronger woman and then you’ll be ready to look to the horizon to see what’s waiting for you.

Many couples have to face the issue of infidelity in their relationship. There are steps you can take to save your marriage after an affair.

You can get past the infidelity and rebuild your relationship so it’s more connected and fulfilling than it’s ever been before.