“My husband cheated on me.” Those words are most likely, the most heartbreaking words a woman can ever say during the course of her marriage. To anyone who hasn’t been in the position of discovering their husband’s infidelity, they just seem like words. To a woman who has recently happened upon her husband’s adultery or was told about it by him, those words sting to the emotional core. There is an overwhelming rush of emotions that swallows a woman up when she realizes the marriage she thought she had didn’t really exist. Although many people who haven’t been in your position will tell you that the marriage can’t be saved, they’re wrong. Infidelity doesn’t have to define the end of the relationship. In fact, it can be the catalyst for change and a new beginning for a couple who had started losing touch with one another. Getting past infidelity can gift you and your husband with a marriage that is better than you ever imagined it could be.
There are obviously many steps that a woman must go through when she is working towards getting past infidelity. Regaining trust is one of the biggest obstacles and it’s often the one that a woman will struggle with the most. Accepting that the affair happened is very difficult, but once you’ve done that you’re left with a relationship that is based on betrayal and lies. Everything that you trusted in your life now becomes questionable. It’s actually not uncommon for a woman in your position to start questioning everything in her life and everyone she is close to. Losing trust has a deep impact and you can’t rush regaining it regardless of what anyone, including your husband, tells you.
Tell him that breaking off contact with the other woman is a must.
You cannot rebuild the broken bond of trust in your marriage if your husband is continually talking with or seeing the other woman. This is a case of take it or leave it with no exceptions. If your husband works with the woman in question he needs to make it incredibly clear to her that speaking about anything other than work is not acceptable. If he’s able to transfer to another division within his company or there are other jobs available in his field, this may be the ideal time for a shift in his career focus. If they don’t work together there is absolutely no reason he needs to see her, end of story. Make that clear to him in no uncertain terms.
Tell him that you need to have unrestricted access to him.
After the discovery of an affair it’s understandable that a woman’s mind never rests. She’ll wonder continuously where her husband is and what he’s doing. You need to be able to speak with him at your every whim. Tell him that this is an important part of your healing process and that he should view it as such. If your spouse balks at this idea and says that he feels as though you’re checking up on him, tell him that’s exactly what you’re doing because he chose to betray you. This isn’t something that you’ll need to do forever, but it’s an important part of healing. You’ll find a great deal of comfort in knowing that when you call him, he’ll pick up and be available and willing to talk with you.
Tell him that you want his online passwords and access to his cell phone.
This may feel a bit over the line in some respects, but this isn’t about snooping through his cell phone at every opportunity or reading his emails before he does. It’s much more about him showing you that he has nothing to hide from you. Request that he leave his cell phone in the open where you can access it when he’s home. Also, ask that he not take any calls in private for the time being. If you feel that he’s doing his best to be an open book, you’ll find that trust does return sooner.
Tell him that you want and need to spend more time with him.
As you and your husband move past the discovery of the adultery and move along the path towards rebuilding your marriage, spending time just with each other is fundamentally important. Not only will this help to reconnect the two of you, but it will also help to satiate your desire to know that he’s not doing anything that would jeopardize your marriage again. If your husband told you in the past that he was spending time with friends, but was in fact, spending time with his mistress, you need that time for yourself. Make plans to do things with him several nights of the week and on the weekends. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. Working out together, going for a walk or even watching television are all ways the two of you can reconnect again.
As you and your partner work together to get past the infidelity keep the lines of communication open with one another. Talk about the trust that has been broken and praise your husband when he does things that help rebuild the shattered bond. Give him the benefit of the doubt when he tells you that he wants to help you feel trust in him again. Although he must give a lot in order to repair the damage he’s done, you also have a role to play. You need to allow your heart the opportunity to find that trust again. If you can do that, you’ll slowly find the connection that you two lost.
Many couples have to face the issue of infidelity in their relationship. There are steps you can take to save your marriage after an affair.
You can get past the infidelity and rebuild your relationship so it’s more connected and fulfilling than it’s ever been before.