“If my husband really loves me, why did he cheat?” That is a question asked by almost every woman after she’s discovered her husband’s extramarital affair. The emotions that accompany this query run deep and often run amok. There’s a profound and bitter sense of rejection that comes with learning of your husband’s infidelity. You’re angry, you’re sad and you’re scared. You can’t fathom at this moment how he could possibly love you and yet share himself with another woman. This is just one aspect of dealing with infidelity. It can feel overwhelming to a woman when she hears her husband say how much he loves her after he’s spent weeks, months or even years in the company of someone else. As surprising as it is, your husband likely does love you and the reason behind his decision to cheat had little to do with his feelings for you.
Surprisingly men who are very much in love with their wives are often the ones who stray. That doesn’t seem plausible to most women because we view relationships in a very different way. To us, our husband is our one and only love. We made a vow to stick by him through the good times and the bad, and if we do, and he doesn’t honor us in the same way, we’re devastated. Men seldom cheat because the love for their wife disappeared. Men have affairs because they’ve lost the respect they had for themselves.
Men will often cheat because they lack self esteem. We hear so much about how women struggle with self esteem issues, but men do just as often. He may feel that he’s not as desirable as he once was. Having an affair helps boost his self esteem momentarily. In his mind if another woman wants him, he’s still got something to offer. Although this may seem like the driving force behind an affair for a middle aged or mature man, it’s often the reason why younger men are unfaithful too.
A man under stress will sometimes cheat. We all deal with stress in very different ways. For some people, they shut down and cut off contact with virtually everyone. Other people take their frustration over the stress out on those closest to them in the form of criticism or arguments. Some men seek out an understanding woman to help them deal with stress. If your husband has a stressful career and he was unfaithful with someone he worked with, this may be the reason why. Perhaps he was spending long hours mulling over a company problem and she was there to offer her assistance. If she’s compassionate and empathetic to what he’s feeling, he may have felt a connection to her that developed into something physical.
If a man feels his life is lacking excitement he may feel compelled to cheat. Sometimes married life can become somewhat mundane. It happens to the best of marriages and it’s almost impossible to avoid it. There are so many day-to-day tasks to tend to when you have careers to mind and children to raise. If you and your husband have a fairly standard routine, he may become bored or restless. If he crosses paths with a woman who is brimming with energy and spontaneity, he may feel drawn to her almost instantaneously. She offers him a break in his humdrum existence. He’ll see her as a temporary escape from a somewhat tedious existence. In many cases, an affair like this isn’t as much about the actual physical connection as it is about the anticipation of a different and unfamiliar experience.
Regardless of why your husband cheated on you, it’s important to acknowledge the pain you’re in. If you have strong doubts about whether he truly does love you, express that to him. As you both work to recover from the infidelity it’s essential that you determine what the motivation behind his affair was so you can work to curb the temptation or triggers in the future.
It’s naturally difficult to believe your husband loves you if he’s wandered into the life of another woman. However, take heart in the fact that he is with you and wants to make the marriage work. His actions, at this time, are what matters and if he’s trying to move towards being a better husband and a faithful partner, recognize the importance of that.
Many couples have to face the issue of infidelity in their relationship. There are steps you can take to save your marriage after your husband’s affair.
You can get past the infidelity and rebuild your relationship so it’s more connected and fulfilling than it’s ever been before.